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Vulnerability: The Key to Close Relationships

Vulnerability: They Key to Close Relationships

The best function of being human is being able to connect with other humans. We're hardwired for information technology. We alive in tribes and families, piece of work in groups, beloved as couples and thrive in friendships. The drive to connect is in all of u.s. whether we acknowledge it or not.

Notwithstanding, we're seeing more loneliness, more low, more broken relationships, more disconnection. What's happening?

Vulnerability is the driving force of connection. It's dauntless. It'southward tender. It's impossible to connect without information technology.

Just nosotros've turned it into a weakness.

Nosotros've made ourselves 'stiff'. We've toughened up, hardened up and protected ourselves from being hurt. We've protected ourselves from vulnerability and disallowed the surrender. Here's the trouble. When we close downwards our vulnerability we are shielded from hurt, but we are also shielded from love, intimacy and connection. They come to us through the aforementioned door. When we close information technology to i, we shut it to all.

Without vulnerability, relationships struggle. Vulnerability is, 'Here I am – my frayed edges, my secrets, my fears, my amore. Be careful – they're precious.' In return, it invites, 'Oh, I come across you there. It's okay, you're safe. And hither – here'due south me.' It builds trust, closeness and a sense of belonging. Relationships won't thrive without information technology.

Vulnerability is openness to experiences, people and uncertainty. It's terrifying at times, and brave always.

Occasionally we get hurt. Relationship pain is an unavoidable part of being human. When it happens it can steal you. I know. But we can run into this for what it is – a mismatch of people, a redirection, a learning, a happening – or we can take it as a warning and protect ourselves from the possibility of beingness hurt over again. In this instance, we make the decision to non exist vulnerable. We shut information technology downwards. By shutting down to the risks of being vulnerable, we also shut down to the possibilities – the possibility of joy, intimacy, closeness, gratitude and connection.

Connected or Not: What makes the difference?

Brene Brown PhD is a research professor from the University of Houston and an expert in the field of vulnerability. She's looked at those who have a strong sense of connection and belonging and those who don't. Her research has found that the difference between the ii groups was that those who had a stiff sense of love and belonging believed they were worthy of it. People who believed they were worthy of connection experienced greater connection.

When people believe themselves worthy of connection, they're more probable to move towards others. They'll exist the first to say 'I honey you lot'. They'll be quick to say, 'I miss you' (not just in absence merely in the growing apart). They'll enquire for assist and they'll be open to the  love, affection and influence of others. They'll be grateful. They'll exist connected.

This doesn't mean they'll always get what they want. What it means is that they are more willing to be open and vulnerable in relationships because their potential for shame is less. If the connection falls short – if the 'I love you' is left hanging, the 'I miss yous' isn't returned, the request for assistance is declined, people who believe they are worthy of connection are less probable to arraign themselves and their own 'unworthiness' for the disconnection. They are often the people who people want to be with. They give to the human relationship and they receive openly, abundantly, honestly and with love and gratitude. They allow themselves to be vulnerable to the uncertainty and they brand it safe for others to practise the same.

Daring to Connect.

  1. Live with eye.

    Heed to and move towards what you actually desire. Information technology's that voice that speaks from intuition, feel and things unsaid. It'due south the indicate, sometimes faint sometimes non, to love openly and honestly and receive information technology gratefully. And to walk away when it'south gone. Move towards what you want and be vulnerable to the risk – information technology's the bravest matter you'll do. When you live with heart, you'll feel when there's something missing, just it doesn't have to stay that way.

  2. Live with courage.

    What would you exercise if you could act without fright of shame? Would you modify jobs? Follow your passion? Tell someone y'all honey them? Tell someone you miss them? Initiate sex? Look more for yourself? Become rid of relationships that hurt? Fight harder for the relationship you're in? You can't trust that in that location won't exist rejection and disappointment, but you can trust that you'll cope with it if it happens – which you volition. What'south harder to live with is teetering around the edges of something that feels of import, wanting more than simply never dropping the guard plenty – being vulnerable enough – to let it in.

  3. Look for a new 'what if'.

    Question your beliefs. Sometimes we believe things for so long they just settle in and stay. Challenge whether or not they're all the same working for you. What could happen if you open up, accept a risk, let yourself be vulnerable? As well often behaviour is driven by the demand to avoid shame – the need to avoid receiving whatever proof that you're non worthy of dear, connection and receiving what y'all've asked for.  The more you lot think you're not worthy, the more  y'all'll act as though information technology's true and the more than you disconnect. What if yous believed you were worth the connectedness. The risk of not existence received is always in that location, but this is no reflection of any unworthiness in you.

  4. Embrace vulnerability.

    As explained by Brene Dark-brown, people with a strong sense of love and belonging believe that vulnerability is a necessity. They believe that within their vulnerabilities are the things that make them beautiful. And they're right. Vulnerability is key to connectedness considering it is the backbone to be open to another human. It's maxim the words that are pressing from the inside. It's opening yourself upwards to somebody getting closer. It'due south letting them know. It's giving without expectation or calendar. And receiving with an open heart.

  5. Quick at present. Practice zippo.

    Increasingly we are living in a fixit world. We have little tolerance for incertitude or discomfort and tend to movement speedily toward resolution. We fix everything – bug, health, feelings, people. Sometimes though, uncertainty or discomfort is exactly where we demand to exist. Information technology's hither that we frequently find clarity and insight and and a readiness to movement forrard or pull back. Don't exist also quick to motion out of uncomfortable feelings. Sometimes they're the richest source of growth and data about what's correct.

What Vulnerability Isn't.

Vulnerability does non mean oversharing and offering every item of your life up for consumption by anyone with a caput. It about intention. At that place are those yous concur shut, or want to, who are worth taking a risk for. You lot open up, you lot allow them know, yous offer some of yourself and hope it will be received. And so at that place are those who you know, but who may not have earnt your vulnerability.

Your vulnerability still has to be earnt by others to some extent, only you take to exist fix to see when someone deserves it from you. Offering every detail of your life to the person behind you in the 15 items or less alley at the grocery store tin can walk dangerously close to a lack of boundaries and tin leave you overexposed.

And finally.

Somewhere along the way, the demand to protect ourselves from beingness vulnerable has trumped the need to connect. I understand that. Few things hurt as securely and completely as the heartache that comes from relationships. Merely heartache and uncertainty is part of being human and it'southward avoidance is getting in our way.

In response to this, we've stopped allowing ourselves to be vulnerable. We've toughened up. Nosotros've turned vulnerability into a weakness and guardedness into a strength.

 Of course at that place are times to be guarded, simply there are also times to be vulnerable. We're protected, merely we're asunder.

 Life happens – actually happens – in the midst of our vulnerability. It's hither, in forcefulness and with the greatest of courage, that nosotros ask for assistance, say the kickoff 'I dearest you', attain out for sexual practice and physical intimacy, tell someone we miss them, enquire where nosotros stand, feel. When we shut downwardly our vulnerability, nosotros shut down the possibility.

There are no guarantees. At that place never have been. Just what is sure is that we deserve more than to have our vulnerability – the greatest vehicle to connexion – shut down by fearfulness. We cannot guarantee the outcome, merely nosotros can have faith in our ability to cope with information technology. Living and loving with a vulnerable, open up center volition bring its own rewards. There is no daring more than honest and more than courageous than that which comes with respecting our vulnerability, embracing information technology and acting from information technology.

(Image credit: Unsplash | Alexander Shustov)